Not Never, But Today

Yes, I did. I did tell my sister that I was never going to blog again. I meant it, too. I have had very little energy for doing things beyond the bare minimum. And honestly, if you come look at my kitchen, you will see that I have redefined "the bare minimum" to a shocking new low. That's fine, really; I can live with a certain level of slovenliness. Honestly, I think that the mess isn't as bad as it has been, it's just getting on my nerves. I guess that's a good thing.

Here is where I tell you that this post has some language issues. If you are offended by the f-bomb, you might want to quit now. I think I use it twice. Maybe 3 times. You have been warned.

So what brings me back? I'm so glad you asked. Today is World Suicide Awareness Day. It has been a long time since I have been suicidal, but I still battle depression. I use the war metaphor advisedly. I battle that mother-fucker. Sometimes depression battles me, gives me a sucker punch to the gut and while I am gasping for air and squeezing out a few tears, it boxes my ears and pulls on my hair, twists my arm around my back and plunges me face first into the floor. I lie there for a while. The floor is a nice place to be when you are depressed.

Except I pulled up all of the carpets (as in a very dear friend pulled them up, and I watched) so at SOME point, I get a crick in my neck. At some point, the world comes in, and I might as well get up and do something. Getting up from that floor is quite often the hardest thing I do.

Most of this is figurative. I very rarely actually do a face plant on the floor. Usually when I am depressed, I am able to go to work. I am able to parent (sort of). I'm not very good company, and I think that has cost me some good friendships along the way, because it's hard to be a very good friend when you are figuratively face down on the floor. (True story: when I was in college, people used to say that I had a black cloud of despair over my head. These were my friends. I don't know if they knew I knew they said that, because it was only repeated to me, not said to my face. But they were right.)

What helps me is to figure out one thing. What ONE thing can I do today that will make me feel less of a waste of oxygen? What ONE thing can I do that I can point to and say, "See that there? I did that." The point of my one thing is that it has to be completely within my reach. None of this exceeding my grasp or what's a heaven for crapola. Nope. My one thing can be putting in a load of laundry. Unloading the dishwasher. SOMETHING that will take my downward death spiral of negativity and put the brakes on.

Every day, I try to find my one thing. Every day, I try to find something else to be grateful for. Because the thing is, that mother fucker depression? She's a lying whore. She will tell you that you can't. But trust me, you can. You just have to do whatever it is one manageable thing at a time. And if you should think to yourself that the one manageable thing is harming yourself, please don't.

In the United States, the suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255. When I just googled it, I got 3 more local ones. There are bloggers out there who want to help you. The Bloggess speaks out about depression, and recently someone posted a comment to her blog they were suicidal. Within minutes there were messages of love and support. You matter. I promise you do.

Patience

The word in the title is this week's writing prompt for a kickass group of women singer songwriters. You can find them on Facebook or on their youtube channel. Fourteen women. One song a week. 52 weeks. You really should go meet them now. The group of women are varied in age, style, and geographical location...but linked by love of song and the community spirit. I am so very much looking forward to seeing and hearing what they do in the upcoming year.

I had thought I might try to jump start my blogging (AGAIN) by using the weekly prompts. I didn't really think that the first one would be quite so timely.

I resigned from my job today. It hadn't been very much fun for a while, and things became unbearable over the past 10 days. The reasons aren't much fun to rehash, so I will refrain from doing so. However, it leaves me at loose ends (AGAIN) as far as what I want to be when I grow up.

There are a number of jobs that I think are more than jobs. Jobs that help define (to greater or lesser extent) who a person is. I don't just work as a nurse. I am a nurse. I was out with a co-worker some months back, and we were introduced to someone. In the usual way of small talk, we were asked, "What do you do?" I answered, "I'm a nurse." I indicated towards my friend and said, "She is a creative, free spirit, but she pays the bills by working in the administrative side of our practice." I didn't even know which words were going to come out of my mouth, but I knew that introducing her as "whatever-her-actual-job-title-was" would have been incorrect.

So, what does a nurse who isn't working do? I suppose looking for a job is priority number one. I will begin that process again over the weekend. It has now been two years since I returned to Atlanta from Houston. There has been little of that two years when I felt that the job I was doing was what I was meant to do. I'm really struggling with that. I know that I will land on my feet. I know I can get another j.o.b. I'm more frustrated about the fact that I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I keep finding things that aren't quite right...for one reason or another.

I'm really, really patient when it comes to waiting in lines and sitting in traffic...this patience as I find the right spot for me to be the wonderful nurse that I know that I am is quite a bit more difficult to manage...but I will get there. In the meantime, if anyone has any patience to spare, I'm accepting.

Going green and getting clean!

Why, no, I did NOT fall off the face of the earth.

Life has been quite crazy lately, and my Cistern replied, "Never," when asked when she was going to post again, so there's that.

It is nice to have a paycheck, but this work thing isn't all it's cracked up to be. I love my staff. I love being around patients. However, the day to day administrivia is a bit overwhelming. I am working hard, doing what I can do to make the lives of the patients and the people who are taking care of them as good as I possibly can.

However, you don't want my reasons for being gone, you want me to say something! (At least I hope you do.)

I have been trying more and more to be kind to the environment. The old Reduce, Reuse, Recycle and the like. I have been interested in the "greener" products that are available, but the price is often much higher to the good old stuff with the chemicals of names unpronounceable.

My cousin Caitlin and her boyfriend Mike are living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. The link is to her blog that describes how they are living. I have no intention of going to that extreme, but it got me thinking.

A few months ago, I made a batch of homemade laundry detergent. I have cobbled together a recipe from several different sites. I have done easily 100+ loads of laundry with this concoction--and never once missed the store brands. It costs approximately 3 cents per load compared to more than 30 cents a load for the average large-sized container of the popular brands.

Homemade Laundry Detergent

Start with a 5 gallon bucket (available at the hardware store)

Ingredients:
1 bar of soap, shaved into small pieces or grated
1/2 cup washing soda--it is available near the laundry detergents at Publix, but you may have to look a bit for it
1 cup borax--also in the laundry aisle, usually easier to find than the washing powder.
water
essential oils (optional)--be sure to use body friendly oils; the ones for aromatherapy may not be good for your skin

Directions:
1. Heat 4 cups of water to just shy of boiling.

2. Add the grated soap. Stir until it is melted. Fels Naptha is very popular and might be best if you have tough stains. I live alone, do not hike or garden, do not do anything that results in grass stains, etc. I use unscented glycerine soap. I am thinking of trying a Dr. Bronner's soap in my next batch.

3. Move the soapy solution to your bucket. Add 3 gallons of hot water.

4. Mix in 1 cup of washing soda.

5. Mix in 1/2 cup borax.

6. Add several drops of the essential oil of your choice. (optional)

7. Add 3 gallons of hot water.

8. Stir periodically as the mixture cools. Let cool overnight. You will end up with a gelatinous gooey stuff. Use 1 cup per load of laundry.

I found this wonderful picture to help remember the ratios of cups to pints to quarts to gallons at thekitchn.com. Maybe I won't have to look it up every single time I make it any more.

Fabric Softener

Mix together in a squirt bottle:
2 cups white vinegar
3 teaspoons essential oil

~Some people add a small amount before the rinse cycle of the washing machine.
~Others have rags or washcloths they use only as "dryer sheets." They spray 10-15 spritzes onto said cloths and toss them in.
~My choice is to spritz directly onto the wet clothes. Very few loads don't have at least one pair of socks, one t-shirt, or old pajamas that wouldn't be worse for wear if there were some lingering effect from the spray. (Several loads in, I can't tell which items I have sprayed.)

I have also started using baking soda and vinegar instead of shampoo and conditioner, I have made homemade cleaners for the bathroom and the kitchen. I have made air freshener out of vodka and essential oil. I am thrilled to be able to choose my own scents. I am the queen diva fan of citrus, and it has been harder and harder to find lately.

Next on my list to try are the following: bath bombs, body scrubs, face masks, bath salts (not the kind on the news) and lip balms.

Have you found any great ideas or recipes for things like this? Any interest in trying these, or am I just a hippy freak?

Fabulous show Saturday

I really should be doing laundry and getting ready to go to the Woody Guthrie Folk Festival in two days. However, Saturday’s show at Eddie’s Attic deserves a few words.

Peyton Tochterman opened the evening with a fabulous set. I have enjoyed his music in the past, but I think this set was my favorite yet. Last year at Woodyfest, his was the only CD I purchased (I had said I wasn’t going to buy any, but such is the life of a music junkie). His stories were both funny and moving. He recently spent a couple of weeks in Afghanistan playing for the troops. He told us about one show where several women entered the show wearing burkas but removed them after entering (permitted due to the fact that it was a Western show). After one song Peyton noticed that the women were all crying. He later asked somebody why they were crying (he figured it wasn’t his brilliant lyrics as women didn’t understand English). The answer was that they had NEVER seen live music before. The set included a very much fun 3 day old song about loving a woman who loves horses . Peyton was incredibly patient with my nephew James who was chatting him up before the show. Peyton offered James a CD, but James said, “I think I should wait until after you play, so I can decide if I really am interested.” He is a practical child. He did get a CD after the show.

Rebecca Loebe was fabulous and wonderful as always. In great spirits and excellent voice.I got to hear a few songs I had never heard before including 10,000 Days, Awakening by Kate Chopin, and Call Me Baby. Highlights included seeing my nephew playing air drums to “Redneck Karaoke Bar,” among other songs. James loved it when Will Robertson used the upright bass for percussion. James also did a perfect imitation of the RCA dog when Will started playing the melodica. My (nearly) 12 year old niece, Anne, read her book at the table until it was hurting my eyes. She then went out to the merch table and annoyed Tommy K until she finished her book. I was very entertained to hear Anne sing along with Becca’s version of “Stronger” (original by Kanye).

As I have mentioned before, my Poppa plays the trumpet quite well. He and Becca were in New Orleans at the same time, and he accompanied her on a song. She graciously asked him to do the same for this show. It was great fun, and I know I am biased, but the rest of the audience seemed to enjoy it just as much.
His comment was this, “Unless someone steps forth to dispute my claim, I am claiming to be the only musician who has shared the stage with Maria Callas and Rebecca Loebe. Maria was in 1958 in Birmingham, and Rebecca was last night at Eddie’s. Similarities: Both superior artists and delightful entertainers. Contrasts: Maria more vibrato and operatic pitch compared to Rebecca’s PURE intonation. Maria’s boyfriend was probably richer (bet she didn’t drive). I doubt Rebecca has dated any guy named Aristotle. But, who knows? Plus, Maria didn’t write her own material and sefl-accompany. Just sayin’.”

This could certainly use some proofreading, but I’m going to leave it as is. Cause if I don’t get packing soon, I will be in hysterics tomorrow. Bottom line is this: if you have the chance to see Rebecca or Peyton—be sure to take advantage.

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde

Management is nothing more than motivating other people.
Lee Iacocca

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
Mark Twain

Work isn't to make money; you work to justify life.
Marc Chagall

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Robert Frost

Without work, all life goes rotten. But when work is soulless, life stifles and dies.
Albert Camus

So, tomorrow is the day. Four months of unemployment ends at 7:30 tomorrow morning. I am returning to the hospital where "I grew up." I worked in medical records while I was in high school...as a nursing student I worked to get experience with patients (I was severely underpaid at this particular endeavor). I worked there when I was 22 years old and had no idea what insanity I would encounter over my 25 years as a nurse. They laid me off last June, and tomorrow I return...within a week to the day. I will be working under the same supervisor who was my boss when I was young, terrified, and skinny. This go around I am older, less terrified, and less skinny.

I will be supervising more people than I ever have before. I know I am good with people. I learned from one of the best managers ever. If I can be as fair, honest and deal with problems in as straightforward a manner as he does, it will all be just fine.

See also: Oakley is not going to be happy about this "Margaret leaves the house every day for hours" situation. As soon as the paychecks start arriving, I will be looking for a dog companion. Of course, she will just cower in the crate the first 37 times said dog companion arrives.

What are the things you liked the most about previous managers? how about the worst qualities?

Is it bad luck to sing in a graveyard?

Apparently the people at Oakland Cemetery in Atlanta this weekend were not concerned about singing or dancing among the burial plots...Cistern and I included.

The cemetery is an amazingly beautiful place. Established in 1850, it has plenty of shade and loads of character. This was the second year that they have had this music festival, but my first time ever even going to the cemetery. There are many beautiful memorials and statues, some notable residents--including Margaret Mitchell, and many Confederate soldiers buried there.

This is the most photographed memorial at the cemetery...built by a husband and father for his wife and daughter.

They used that image and added a fiddle and a guitar for the flyer.

We went to see Rebecca Loebe (one of my favorites) who is from Atlanta but I didn't "find" her until she was on Season One of "The Voice." If you watched the show, Adam and Christina both turned around for her, and she chose Team Adam. She was rudely eliminated during the battle Rounds, but I have been stalking to see her several times since, and I think she is awesome. She mentioned her TV time on Saturday, and was super kind in giving me a shout out from the stage, "...the most important judge who turned around was Margaret. She's been at every show in Atlanta since, and I need that a lot more than I need Christina Aguilera." Why, yes, I was beaming like crazy. She is sweet, has a wonderful voice full of power, range, and control, and writes some amazing lyrics. Go see her if you ever get the chance...and tell her I ordered suggested that you go. If you hate her, I'll give you your money back. For real...I have a job now.

The vendor selection was not as wide as I would have liked, but the guys from Pallookaville had a great sense of humor.

Their boiled peanuts lived up to the hype.

And the condiment selection included grape jelly and Hershey's chocolate sauce among many more traditional hot sauces. I'm boring when it comes to my corn dogs, and chose "Perfect--Gulden's mustard," and "Wrong--ketchup." the others were "Delicious--yellow mustard" and "Zesty--pickle relish."

My only complaint was that my shoes (with whom I had established a relationship) chose to give me three blisters--one between the toes. If you had any idea how often I wear flip flop style shoes, you would recognize this as the tragedy potential inconvenience this establishes for me. We did see an accident involving the leg one of the vendors getting caught between a golf cart and the vendor's cart. Cistern completed her obligations as she saw fit: 1. Pointing to me and saying "NURSE!" 2. Not puking. I need to send an email to check on her. She tried to tough it our, but did eventually go to the ER. I'm not sure it was broken, but I absolutely would not have sworn it was NOT broken. I guess that makes my blisters seem not even worth mentioning.

So, when was the last time you saw live music? Where is the most interesting place you have seen music? If you don't like live music, can you explain to me why? (I really do mean that last question...not being snarky, I just don't get it.)

A week's worth of trouble...

So, between the two of us we are managing a single post per week. Go us! We will try to do better.

I know nothing better to say than to give you a snapshot of my last 10 days. I have seen much music, many friends, and had great fun.

My first musical adventure was to seeCarsie Blanton at the Red Clay Theater just north of Atlanta. A friend from the neighborhood joined me. I had never seen Carsie before, but really love her. She lets you listen to whole CDs at her website...I'd suggest Buoy as a good place to start. I simply adore the title cut. She has a great blog post about her theory of songs. It compares song traits to desirable traits in lovers: brain, heart, and body. She posits that (like lovers) most songs have there three qualities in varying degrees.

She has a throwback "pin-up" kind of look that I love.

My fried Terry came into town, and the next two nights we saw Dan Navarro. He was the musical partner of my friend Eric who passed away about 2 months ago, and I love him and his mop of dark curls to pieces.

We were at Eddie's Attic which has been my go to venue for many years. My favorite place for my feet to sit is on the edge of that stage.

Seeing Dan for the first time without Eric left me less weepy than I might have thought. It was wonderful to see Dan and hear things in his voice that I didn't hear when he was half of a duo. We stayed late at the venue, then moved on to the next bar with Dan, another friend Tommy, and met three other guys: Kodak, Barry, and John. For those of you doing the math--that makes me the lone female at a whiskey bar (who had a BOOK listing all the available choices that was more than three deviations above my pay grade). This part of the evening started with the following joke: "What's the difference between a slut and a whore?" Answer: "A slut will sleep with anyone, and a whore will sleep with anyone but YOU." I'm a tough chick to rattle, but when Barry put his size 15 shoe on the table when I began to dissent with the "Foot to Male member correlation theory," and then unbuckled his pants, I caved.

The next night we drove to Athens to see Dan in a house concert in Athens. Somehow the theory mentioned above came back into the conversation. I swear, someone could start to think that I am the common denominator...

I saw the Jacob Jeffries Band Saturday night with a crowd much younger than I and even danced like I was in my 20's again despite being exhausted. Jacob is a terribly wonderful, sweet person and a hella piano player and songwriter.

Fast forward through Mother's Day (which is cool for everyone else but I'm not really into it).

Bryan and I went to see Jenny Lawson sign her new, fabulous book. Bryan got her photograph taken with Cee Lo our large metal flamingo.

I'm trying to be generous instead of jealous...and mostly succeeding.

Yesterday's adventure just might merit it's own post. Lots of fun(ny) photos. I'll get to work on it.

So, what has everyone else been up to?